Robotic Voice: The secret meetings of the evil elite. Recording: Thursday, June 24th.

Athena: Okay, Knife?

Knife: Here.

Athena: Alright, … Pandora?

Pandora: Here!

Athena: Okay, I think that’s it. Did I forget anybody?

Snow Queen: Uh, I think you forgot Fahrenheit, Athena.

Athena: Right, thanks, Snow Queen. Fahrenheit?

*Pause*

Athena: Fahrenheit?

*Pause*

Athena: Fahrenheit!

*Pause*

Athena: CATALYST!

Catalyst: GAH! What?!

Athena: You’re Fahrenheit’s best friend. Where is Fahrenheit?

Catalyst: …

Athena: Catalyst.

Catalyst: …

Athena: CATALYST!

Catalyst: Uhm, he’s, uh –

Athena: No, wait, stop right there. Let me guess. He smoked a blunt, watched the fishing channel, and passed out on the couch again, didn’t he? DIDN’T HE?

Catalyst: …Yeah, yeah, he did.

Athena: That’s…that’s just fucking great. That’s just all I need. I’m just trying to do a roll call for my team of SUPPOSEDLY the greatest criminals in the world, and that dick just goes off and gets high while watching someone named Bobby Sakk talk about the wonders of those ugly sons of bitches you call the small mouth bass.

Knife: Hey, relax, Athena. Fahrenheit always does that. We just kinda got used to it.

Skeleton King: Yeah, seriously. We can go on without Fahrenheit – we always do. Just let it slide.

Athena: No. No, I will not ‘Let it slide’, Skeleton King. I’m tired of letting it slide. Because whenever I let it slide, that makes him think its okay. And now EVERYONE thinks it is okay.

Skeleton King: C’mon…let’s just get to the evil plans, okay? Just take a deep bre-

Athena: No. Do NOT fucking tell me to take a deep breath. I have taken a deep breath each and every time one of you people have screwed up. I have not killed a single one of you. Hell, that’s why you came to me – because I valued your skills over some short-term anger. But NOW we have a whole MESS of problems!

Masquerade: …Is this just about Fahrenheit?

Athena: Fahrenheit is only the beginning of it, Masquerade. He doesn’t show up to meetings OR missions, that’s one problem. But then come the actual missions. Good God, those MISSIONS…

Magnemesis: What’s so bad about them? Sometimes we cart off quite a load of money. It’s just the world domination thing that we’re having trouble with.

Athena: You. I’ll start with YOU, Magnemesis. Last month. Do you remember last month? Last month, when the covert information espionage mission spilled out onto New York city? Do you remember what you did when Venus started kicking Knife’s ass?

Magnemesis: Sure, I magnetically tore off a few big parts from a car and threw it at her.

Athena: Which would be fine, if your superpower was Super Strength. But, Magnemesis, you control the ENTIRE ELECTROMAGNETIC SPECTRUM. You could have stopped all the iron flow to her skull and KILLED HER.

Magnemesis: Hey, you tell us not to kill – it puts too much heat from the heroes on us.

Athena: Irrelevant. If we’re going for the non-lethal option, you could slow down that iron flow and make her pass out. Then maybe Knife wouldn’t be knitting his arm back together while I SCREAM at you right now!

Magnemesis: …Huh. Never really thought of using my powers like that.

Athena: That’s one of the HUGEST fucking problems here! All of you alone have enough power to capture a city, but you have to be the biggest retards about how to use it! Maybe a THIRD of you have a clue! Snow Queen has used random flashes of different weather patterns for psychological warfare! Meanwhile, Beast King can’t even remember which kind of snake he can turn into that is the most poisonous!

Beast King: *Growl* I resent tha-

Athena: I don’t give a shit!

*Awkward, angry pause*

Athena: Here. Check this out. Another problem. Swirl Von Monocle, what is your superpower?

Von Monocle: Uh? Oh, right. I hypnotize people.

Athena: Uh-huh. And Mind Dancer? What do you do?

Mind Dancer: Oh…I…I play tricks on people’s minds-

Athena: Bullshit. You’re a hypnotist. You hypnotize people. That’s what you said to me when you APPLIED to the goddamn TEAM! WHY DO I HAVE TWO HYPNOTISTS ON MY FUCKING TEAM?!

*Another angry pause, heavy breathing*

Athena: I’LL FIGURE OUT WHICH ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES IS FIRED LATER! CHRIST!

*Pause again*

Skeleton King: Athena? You okay?

Athena: Yeah…yeah, I’m okay, Skelly. I just…godDAMN, I want to run a good evil team. And it gets so frustrating when we’re, what, 2-23 with the Guardians of Liberty? Fuck, we once even got beaten by the teen version of that team. And I make all these kickass plans to go make us some money, or conquer Japan or something…and it all keeps falling apart.

Pandora: Do…do you wanna take a break for today, Athena?

Athena: Yeah. That sounds good, Pandora. Break everybody? No evil plans for today?

*Mumbled agreements*

Athena: Alright, let’s order in some Chinese. Catalyst, could you round up everybody’s orders?

Catalyst: Yeah, sure.

Athena: Alright. Take a break for today, eat some Chinese, and no new evil plans. In fact, no new evil plans for the rest of the month. Some power training and re-organization sound good to everybody?

*More agreements*

Athena: Okay. Also, someone wake up Fahrenheit and tell him he’s fucking fired. Nobody’s to use up our facilities and get wasted on my time. Jesus Fucking Christ.

Robotic voice: End of meeting.